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2JP Home > Where Did You Get This Crap, Taffy? > Twelve-Step Program

Twelve-Step Program

  You're all sitting around with a massive bowl of popcorn watching Female Trouble. It's the legendary Christmas tree scene.

(Dawn Davenport erupts into a rage at not receiving her coveted cha-cha heels for Christmas. She stomps on all the presents and knocks the Christmas tree down, pinning her mother beneath it.)

Dawn: Fuck you! Fuck you both, you awful people! You're not my parents! I hate you, I hate this house, and I hate Christmas! Boo hoo hoo!

(Dawn runs sobbing from the house in her fluffy blue slippers while her father screams threats after her.)

You are collapsed on the floor, laughing wildly.

Your spouse looks blankly off into space, tries to force a smile, fails miserably.

Your friends complain, "It's all so mean-spirited!"

If you're like the Two Jealous Perverts, you glare daggers at your spouse, roll your eyes at your friends' comment, and sigh. Why, oh why don't they get it? Are you the only one who appreciates the glorious beauty that is a John Waters movie?

You feel so alone,

If this scenario sounds familiar, you need the Two Jealous Perverts' Twelve-Step Program. This supportive program is specially designed to help you come to terms with the pain. We'll take you gently by the hand and help you live again, basking joyously in the gentle glow of Divine's trailer burning down.

From now on, when you are confronted with confused stares and prissy comments, just review these 12 easy steps. Soon your psychic scars will be mere beauty marks and you'll be so happy you could put a steak down your pants.

Perhaps our movement will grow into a mighty network of support groups, for sad to say there are many of our kind throughout the world. We are a small movement now, but one that is growing and growing.

Have the courage to introduce yourself and admit your problem. You are among friends. Here lies beauty. Crime and beauty.

Hi everyone. We're the Two Jealous Perverts...and our friends and families just don't get it.

Twelve Easy Steps!

  1. We admit that we are powerless over our spouses' incomprehension of John Waters films.
  2. We believe that the Power of Divine will help us maintain our sanity.
  3. We make a decision to turn our will and our very lives over to trashy living as we understand it.
  4. We make a searching and fearless inventory of Channing Wilroy's great moments in John Waters films.
  5. We admit to John Waters, to ourselves, and to Edith Massey the exact nature of our families' incomprehension.
  6. We are entirely ready to buy the DVD box set despite our friends' incomprehension.
  7. We humbly ask Mink Stole to remove our friends' incomprehension.
  8. We have made a list of all of our favourite Mary Vivian Pearce lines.
  9. We make direct attempts to introduce our spouses to the moments of Cookie Mueller's fabulousness except when to do so would injure them.
  10. We continue to keep watching the movies and when we are the most grossed out happily revel in the filthiness of it all.
  11. We seek to improve our conscious contact with David Lochary, praying for knowledge of his hairstyling tips and the power to carry them out.
  12. Having had a fashion awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry the message of John Waters to our spouses, families, and friends, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

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